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The 7 a side players we all know, but wish we didn’t


Small sided football is currently one of the most popular sports in Dublin so we here at MyLocalPitch decided to take a tongue in cheek look at how most 7 a side teams we know lineup.

This 7 a side player

The Cannon:Football Cannon

You know the type. No matter the question, to The Cannon, shooting is the answer. Specifically shooting as hard as possible. This guy will be falling over, facing the wrong way, have a teammate free on either side of him, and have the ball on his bad foot and what will he do? Toe bog it towards the opposition goal, or somewhere in its general direction. It’s usually due to a combination of laziness or immobility and a desire for glory but the The Cannon is a pain for teammates and opposition goalkeepers hands alike.

 

The Catalogue:Lampard

There is always one. This lad or lass turns up every week in a full, ironed, matching Jersey, shorts, and socks complete with a star player name printed on the back. Nothing screams taking yourself/the game too seriously more than someone who insists on wearing a full uniform. This guy comes in two breeds. The first type has one kit (probably early 90s in origin) that he rolls out for every game. Type two Catalogue is kitted out like a member of a different club every month. It may start with United, but by summer it’s Real Madrid, then it’s Bayern Munich, and before you know it he’s wearing kits of those teams rival’s. Their memories tend to be short and questions such as “Nice City kit but didn’t you used to support United?” will be met with extreme denial and a swift change of subject.

 

The Auld Lad:Old Football

There may be a full team of ‘auld lads’ although sometimes it’s just the one but we’ve all played with this guy. The Auld Lad’s approach has 4 characteristics. Defend the box, shout and complain all game, kick ankles, lose the rag if he is fouled or shouted at. The Auld Lad tends to read the game well and isn’t afraid of ‘old fashioned defending’ but god forbid you talk back to him or have the audacity to tackle his veteran bones.

 

The Young Lad:Young Lad

We refused to be accused of ageism here at MyLocalPitch so it’s necessary that we highlight the ‘young lad’ archetype too! Usually a little brother or younger cousin brought in to make up the numbers this youngster is dismissed as a soft touch during pre game judgements. He’s just some wimpy little kid right? Wrong. The young lad will be ten times faster and fitter than the rest, in possession of some flash boots and the skills to match. Everybody else on the pitch will leave feeling very old, and very slow. The young lad is a particular enemy of the Auld Lad who will mutter insults about the more junior players throughout the game.

 

The Weightlifter:

The weightlifter looks out of place away from the gym or rugby pitch when he arrives, probably in something tight fitting to show off his ‘bod.’ This guy is happy to show up and get physical until the rugby season begins again. More brute force than cardio, the weightlifter player can be surprisingly effective with positioning and strength even if the more technical footwork and forward thinking may be lacking. His most frustrating trait will be to bounce the ball off the wall as a way of getting past players. While this move is not technically illegal it is seriously frowned upon.

 

The Bored Keeper:

germanys-goalkeeper

Keepers in 7 a side deserve huge amounts of praise. Nobody really wants to go in goals but having a permanent keeper instead of rotating makes the game much more fun for the other players. Usually the only one of you mates who has a pair of gloves anyway this guy is both a blessing and a curse to the team. This guy will undoubtedly get bored and forget that he is in goals and decide to go walkabout. It starts with the keeper deciding not to use his hands any more and ends with him dribbling into the other half only to lose the ball and subsequently blame the defender for the inevitable goal conceded into an open net.

 

The Exchange Student:

Couldn’t find an extra player? Worry not, somebody’s foreign exchange student is in town and fancies a game. This one is a flip of the coin. You always assume he’s full of continental skills. Most of the time ‘the foreigner’ will either be the best player on the pitch or he’ll be useless but it can be worth the gamble as your team may find the next amateur Messi.

 

The No hoper:

The no hoper is the last number you call when you need a player. On the occasions that he does get his chance he shows the world why you don’t usually call him. While full of enthusiasm The No Hoper is like Bambi on Ice. Limbs flail, laces are tripped on, and if he’s lucky he managed to chip the ball down the line in his loafers. Beware though once a game, just when you’d given up all hope, the no hoper is likely to fluke upon a screaming top corner finish, or an unexpected and humiliating nutmeg.

 

Sound familiar? Why not book your local small sided pitch now and see if you can spot one of these 7 players in action. Find and book here with MyLocalPitch.

 


BY - Finn Mongey

10 September 2015